Comparatively speaking, though it is rare I compare myself to other spoonies, I am doing much better than many of my fellow warriors. What I mean by that is this: though I am not working, we are surviving; I have pretty great medical insurance; my doctor is treating me fairly and with compassion, and though I have bad days, it still feels like the good ones outnumber the bad. I am extremely grateful for this and grateful that I can still manage, through careful distribution of spoons, doing everything I need to most days. Don’t get me wrong, the Liza sitting here typing is not the Liza of 5 years ago. Not even the Liza of two years ago who was working, but with my combination of medicine and family support, I have been able to live my life. But, what this blog post is about is if I had a crystal ball that could show me my future, would I want to see it?
The honest answer is, hell no.
Like everyone else here, reading, I have dreams and things I want to accomplish. I have a passion for my blog and connecting with those reading it; I want to reach out to even more people and be able to make a living through my work. I have a dream for living on a farm with lots of land where I can have a garden and enjoy all those small, country life things that I connect with. I want to be able to create, not only those things of words, but arts and craft type things. I will never be a Martha Stewart, but these are things I simply enjoy doing and that I would like to do for my own happiness. I worry that if I could get a glimpse into my future I would see my life very different, one where I was not able to accomplish those things and that would prevent me from ever trying.
I know the struggle I have ahead of me. I’ve spoken to those with the same condition(s) across a spectrum of being older, some who had been more fit and some who had been less fit prior to illness and even some with and without some of the mental illness I also have, which can shorten life expectancy. What I have concluded, and this is not by any stretch of the imagination, sound science, but I have concluded that none of that matters. There is nothing clear and no one of us deteriorates in the same way. So no, I don’t want to look into that crystal ball because I don’t want a “possibility” to dictate how I live my life. I want to continue chasing after my dreams for as long as I possibly can because I think that is part of what keeps us young and vibrant. When you lose your dreams, you lose your passion for life.
I’m not saying I’m not going to ignore my chronic issues. I think some people hear this as an abandoning of science and just living wild and free. No, not at all. I just don’t want a diagnosis and a possibility to make me so afraid I can’t live anymore. I suppose it’s because I’ve watched my friend, and even at the darkest hour of her cancer ordeal she has lived her life to the fullest, no regrets, no looking back, just pure and unfettered joy despite the prognosis and that is what I want. I want to live. I want to live with joy and I want to live with purpose. So you can keep the crystal ball, thanks.