We live in a world where being polite is reflective of manners. Someone sneezes, we say “God bless you,” whether we’re Christian or Atheist. It’s not an actual blessing, as Pope Gregory the Great uttered it during bubonic plague epidemic of the sixth century. [https://people.howstuffworks.com/sneezing.htm] (Just figured I’d throw some trivia in there for you. In case you’re ever on Jeopardy.) It’s just considered good manners and nobody thinks much of it. When you are sick, people often tell you to “Get well soon,” or “I hope you feel better.” Sometimes people mean it sincerely, and sometimes it’s just something people say because they are trying to be polite. Regardless, we don’t usually take offense to it and we say “Thanks,” and go on about our day. However, there are some of us who, while we may not take offense to it, are sick of being told “I hope you get better soon.” It may sound strange to you that someone would get upset over a seemingly benign offering to get better, but when you live with chronic illness or pain and aren’t going to get better, it can become aggravating to hear. Even more-so, is when you’ve addressed this, and your friends or family refuse to accept that “getting better” is not part of your story.
It is difficult for everyone to accept they have a chronic condition, especially at first. Chronic means that there is no cure, and that you will have to live with this condition until you die. It can be very daunting even for the most optimistic of individuals, but you eventually learn to live in this “new normal,” and that doesn’t mean you’ve given up hope, it just means there is a level of acceptance that healthy people are unaccustomed to. What I mean by that is, healthy individuals typically only have dealt with things like a cold or sprained ankle, or maybe a broken wrist where they had a cast for awhile or broken leg where they hopped around with crutches. Some, maybe deal with a chronic illness that is controlled by medicine and if they are careful, that is all it takes to keep them healthy. While still chronic, it is maintained so they feel good a lot of the time. Those like me, with chronic illness that is not controlled by medicine and only manages some symptoms, not necessarily all the time, live in another world.
Here are five examples of why telling someone like me, who has chronic illness, “Hope you feel better soon,” (and other things) can be irritating, and in some instances, makes us feel like our head is about to explode and what you might offer instead:
- It’s been five years since I “got sick.” Either I have the longest flu in history or I’m not getting better.
- We are only co-workers, but I’ve told you I’m chronically ill and you still pat me on the back and tell me “I hope you get better soon.” It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. I’d prefer “Is there anything I can do,” than anything else.
- I’ve told you before I have a chronic illness. Somedays are worse than others, it’s just the cards I’ve been dealt. You don’t have to say anything at all. You could offer me a hug. Sometimes that can make all the difference.
- Don’t lay hands on me and start praying over me. Don’t tell me Jesus has a reason and I’ll understand his purpose. Not everyone is religious and if Jesus has a reason, I wish he would have chosen to show it a different way.
- I know you mean well when you say, “I hope you get better soon,” but it often leads to “How are you feeling today?” The latter is almost worse than the first because, I feel like I’m disappointing you when I say I’m no different than I am every day. And if I am having a good day, you think all the rest of my days should be good and it just doesn’t work that way. Ask me instead: “Is this a good day or a bad day.” If it’s good, be happy with me. If it’s bad, just let me know you are there.