Chronic Diva

• I Always Feel Guilty: Yes, always. I feel guilty because I don’t visit with people I care about. I feel guilty because I rely on so many people for so many different things. I feel guilty when I don’t cook a decent dinner. I feel guilty because my house isn’t clean enough. I feel guilty because I can’t walk my dogs as much as I would like to. I feel guilty because I can’t do as much yoga as I would like and sometimes, I need 3-4 days to recover from one 30-minute class and that class isn’t hard-core yoga. I feel guilty because my specialised diet forces my husband and family to go without things they enjoy. After all, it would wreck me to cook two meals. I feel guilty because I can’t work. I feel guilty because I can never say to someone that I feel 100% wonderful. I feel guilty because my mental health sucks. I feel guilty and sad because I have passed so many of these genes to my children and they suffer because of it. I feel guilty because I often lie about how I feel, so I won’t worry people. I feel guilty. This only covers a small portion of my feelings, but it can become overwhelming. 

• I Am Frightened of My Future: My husband is getting close to retirement age. We are steady planning out the future; where we want to live, what kind of house we will purchase and how we’d like to decorate (OK, how I would like to decorate.) We’re both so excited about it and doing things we like to do together, without the children. But when he brings things up, I realise I am terrified. What if I can’t do all the things we’ve been dreaming of? What if I am not there? These are things that could happen to anyone; these are things that have happened to people and I know I can’t predict the future, but I still find the thoughts of my future terrifying. I am a chronic pain patient and with “opioid hysteria” and yes, I will concede there is a problem with certain drugs and those who have abused them because they were misguided by a doctor, there are still those of us who very much need them. But we’re being punished and many have died because they have been left defenseless against their pain and quickly over-run by it. Our resources for pain management because more scarce and I find it as much a tragedy when someone is left to suffer in pain as when someone becomes addicted to the drugs that were supposed to help them. 

• I Feel Like I am Alone: Logically, I know this isn’t the case. I have friends and loved ones who care about me. I have a truly amazing husband, who I adore and I know adores me. But no one truly gets it. And, while I have many on social media who do understand because they are in the same situation, sometimes you wish you could hang out with someone in that very same place, so you can feel at ease. It’s difficult for me to make plans with people (family or not) because I can’t predict how I am going to feel in the future. It’s always a day-to-day thing and you end up feeling bad when you can’t go somewhere you promised you’d go, or have to cancel plans. Funny thing is, you end up not having to worry too much about it because most people just get tired of it and stop calling and hanging out. 

• I Feel Like People Don’t Believe I am Sick, Because I Don’t Look Sick: I wish, sometimes, that I looked as sick as I feel- sometimes. The only thing I have going for me is that I don’t look sick or my age. The downside is that no one can see the crumbling immune system that is mine, and no one can see the pain I am in daily, which gives people the false idea that I am just fine. When I remind people that I hurt, or can’t do it because I don’t feel well, I feel like there is a tiny part of them that doesn’t believe me or thinks I am doing it just so I can get out of something. This generally leads me to go on a sporadic flurry of doing chores until I fall over dead because I want to feel useful, despite knowing that my body just can’t keep up sometimes. It’s a vicious cycle that while I have even preached on my blog about moderation and doing what you can, I’m terrible and almost incapable of following myself. 

• Not All Doctors Understand (but I am grateful for the ones who do): We’ve all been there with doctors ignoring our pleas for help and giving us a litany of excuses as to why we feel the way we do, which can range from “it’s all in our head” to “you need to exercise more.” It can leave us feeling like we are crazy. We know our body and no one should make us doubt our gut. It makes me so angry that I wasted so much time with so many doctors because I chose to believe them blindly. After all, they wore the white coat and had all that schooling. Surely, they have to know, right? Having been writing now for a few years and learning how little “schooling” doctors receive on autoimmune illness, rare illnesses and chronic pain issues, it makes a lot of sense as to why they don’t always pick up on the signs. However, you have to do your due diligence and fight for yourself until you find a doctor who is willing to listen and take the time to figure out what is going on with you. That may mean a rheumatologist, it may mean a neurologist, it may mean a gastroenterologist for you. When you find that doctor, don’t let them go and be grateful that they chose to listen. 

• I Feel Like a Failure: Sometimes, I do. I knew this isn’t an exclusive feeling to those with chronic illness/pain, but the reason I feel like a failure is directly related to those things. I feel like a failure because I haven’t finished school. I feel like a failure because I can’t do many of the things that those in my age group are doing or have done because of my chronic illness. I watch their feeds on Facebook or Imagine Chat and I see these amazing vacations or doing marathons, going hiking, excelling at their job, and it hurts a little. I try to look at those things I have been able to accomplish and feel proud of myself. I remind myself that we are all on a different journey. But it’s still difficult. 

• I Almost Always Feel Judged Because I Take Opioids: Ugh. This is huge for me. I’ve written about it before here: https://lovekarmafood.com/2019/06/25/i-am-an-un-apologetic-opioid-patient/ However, it’s difficult being a chronic patient who takes opioids in this age of “opioid addiction and hysteria.” I don’t like to feel judged and look on with disdain because I take opioids, and I don’t like to feel like I am contributing to an epidemic that was never my fault. Everyone is different and, unfortunately, there are people whose body chemistry make them more vulnerable to addiction. I am grateful that I am not predisposed to that vulnerability and in the 4 years that I have been using opioids to help me manage my pain I’ve never had a problem. I know I am lucky. What I don’t think, is that I should be judged as though addiction is lurking behind some future door; without opioids, I would not be here.

• I Am Almost Always in Pain: This is not an over-exaggeration of my situation or the situation of many of us with chronic illness/pain. Pain is ever-present. Even with the medication, I am given I am still in pain. There is a reason they call it “pain management.” Every day finds me with some amount of pain and with the meds, I am given it is managed, somewhat. There are days where there is a perfect storm of symptoms and my pain crosses that threshold of managed to unmanageable, but gratefully, those days are fewer because of the pain meds I am given. There is an idea that because I am in pain every day that I should be used to it, but that is wholly untrue. People don’t get used to being poor or hungry or abused. Each day remains a struggle.